There’s been a lot of talk on social media about the death of Caroline Flack and how much the trolling and online abuse that she suffered contributed to her mental state and ultimately her decision to end her life. In response to her death there has been a call on all areas of social media to “be kinder”, to show more compassion and to stop the seemingly constant torrent of abuse that people are being subjected to. Anyone that has an ounce of empathy or understanding would surely have to agree that we can’t go on like this, as a society?
At the ripe old age of 47 and living my life in an anonoymous bubble, I am rarely – if ever – subjected to any sort of abuse or unjust criticism (and if I did it would probably be whilst driving – not that I am a bad driver, but I am possibly too cautious for some others). I can’t, therefore, really comprehend how utterly devastating it must be to have crisiticism, hatred and abuse levelled at you on a daily basis, whilst trying to live a life in the public eye and deal with photographers and journalists hounding you. It’s not just levelled at people in the public eye – anyone with a social media presence seems to be open to this sort of thing.
Of course, I remember as a teenager being called names at school – usually comments on my short hair, my height, my sticky-out ears (not helped by the short hair) or other stupid stuff. But once I’d left school (it sometimes happened on the walk home) and got home it stopped. No-one rang the house to call me names or be unpleasant. No-one knocked on the door to shout at me. No one put letters through my door. Now it seems that there is no escape from it. Teenagers that have social media accounts (and let’s face it there are very few that don’t) are open to this sort of abuse 24/7. Yes, they can log out; they can switch off; they can block, mute, delete followers, but it’s always there. Plus, as when I was a teenager (and plenty of other generations before me) the real life stuff is there too: the name-calling, the nasty comments, the looks. It can all get a bit much.
A has been getting worked up over half term about going back to school. She is feeling pressure to do well in her mock mocks, despite my assurances that they are really only used as a means to gauge progress and familiarise students with the exam process. But it’s the other stuff, the relentless stupid comments that she finds hardest. She is tall. Not exceptionally tall (she’s 5ft 8) but compared to her much more diminutive friends she stands out. Of course, the comments are never aimed at the smaller people; only her, the tall one, as if it is something she has chosen or has any control over, that it is in some way a bad thing, something to be ashamed of. We talk about it all the time – how she could respond or react, how she could try and ignore it, how it says more about the other people and their insecurities, how if this is the only thing they can think to say about her then she must be doing OK. But, of course, none of this helps. None of this helps in the slightest when she is feeling fragile (at 5ft 8 this seems to be something that is not allowed) and vulnerable or just not in the mood to come back with some response. She doesn’t like “beefing” with people, she can be quick-witted and come back with some cutting remark, but that doesn’t make her feel good. An eye for an eye? What a load of bollocks – that just perpetuates it. You said this about me so I am going to fnd something worse about you to make some wisecrack about? No!
When does it all stop? When someone reaches breaking point? Luckily, as much as it upsets her (and believe me, it really upsets her) she talks to me about it all the time. And for that I am eternally grateful. It’s when she stops talking that I will worry. But what I found most concerning is that she told me (when I’d asked if she wanted me to talk to her form tutor) “it’s not just me, mum. I’m nothing special, it’s just what kids my age do. They’re nasty to each other. It’s called banter.” As if that’s a pass that makes everything OK. Call it banter and no-one can accuse you of being a rascist or a sexist or just downright nasty. “You could be the nicest, most popular girl in the school and someone would still give you grief. It’s just the way it is.”
Has the world they have grown up in completely lost the art of #kindness so that it is now normal for people to be unpleasant to each other? And if this is normal for their generation then where do we start with the change? I love to hear stories of acts of #kindness but really they should be so commonplace that it is unremarkable; we shouldn’t need to point out when somone has been kind, it should be our default setting.
The diary of a happiness hunter 