Time ticks on

Time is ticking on slowly. So slowly. This month has been the longest January I have ever known. The bloody snow made me lose my 7 day walking streak – although I hate it, I was still prepared to go out for a walk on Sunday (once it had stopped chucking it down) but no-one wanted to go with me and I was reluctant to go alone (I’m not sure why, maybe fear of too many people around that I might have to be sociable with, safety in numbers and all that?). Anyway, I sulked around for most of Sunday and was rewarded with a night of little sleep. It’s always great to start Monday knackered and over-wrought. A walk in the afternoon lifted my spirits a bit – it was beautiful to look at the white-covered fields and the sun was shining, which always helps. Thankfully my lovely friend had already done a recce earlier that day and assured me I would be unlikely to fall and break a hip as the paths were pretty clear/not slippy. She was quite right and I made it home in a much better mood than I had left it.

Unfortunately, an even worse nights sleep followed (I think we’re due a full moon – these always bugger my sleeping up) and so Tuesday was met with even less enthusiam. It seems A had a similar night to me and so we commiserated together. Our moods were not helped by her sudden realisation that she was supposed to be cooking during her Food Tech lesson. She realised as the lesson was about to start, wondering why no-one was online…. We had no ingredients for the very specific soup she was supposed to be making (as part of her GCSE she has to do a project on an aspect of health – she is doing iron deficiency and the soup needed certain ingredients to fit the brief). She lost it. She’s so conscientous and hates letting people down. She absolutely loves Food Tech and has a great rapport with her teachers. All things that should have made the situation easier but, somehow, in her sleep-deprived mind, made it so much worse. The worry that they would be disappointed in her, letting them down, not taking enough care to follow instructions – she is WAY too hard on herself and I have NO IDEA where she gets it from. We composed an email to her teacher and then she had a look to see if anyone was online. Thankfully one of the teachers was and was just replying to the email, told A that she wasn’t to worry she could cook on Weds or Fri, whenever we had chance to get the ingredients, not a problem, totally fine, please don’t panic. I think she could see how close to tears she was. Huge sighs of relief all round. A quick text to T who was working, asking for emergency shopping at the end of his shift, and the crisis was averted.

Luckily, the week has not got any worse than that. We’ve even had some lttle glimmers of potential good things happening.

A has made a decison about her Post-16 options and has applied to ESA (Elstree Screen Arts) to do a Specialist Production Hair and Make Up BTEC. It is the equivalent of 2 A’levels and with any luck she will be able to do a Sociology A’level alongside it. This means that should she decide that Uni is something she wants to do then she has the required points to do so. The course sounds amazing and with close links to the studios, the opportunity for work experience is a real possibility. We just have to hope that she is successful and is accepted onto the courses. She has a couple of back up plans but this is the number one, ideal option. It’s revived her enthusiasm for practising techniques and she’s putting together a portfolio of previous looks that she has done to showcase her improvement over time and her current skill levels. (There are some perks to me working for an ink cartridge supplier – we have a fully stocked printer and photo paper is relatively easy to come by!)

In other news, T has his final hurdle (no pun intended) to cross tomorrow – the fitness test. T is tall and very slim, slim but strong, and does little to no exercise. He cycled a bit with K in Lockdown 1.0 but, other than the odd walk in the last few weeks (the only opportunity to see his girlfriend) and being active at work at Sainsbury’s, he is basically a sloth. He made some half-hearted murmurs around Christmas time that he would perhaps start going for a run or use the rowing machine (that’s taking up half the office and is more of a hazard than a useful piece of kit) in preparation for his test. It didn’t happen and therefore he is rocking up tomorrow and winging it. Oh, the confidence of youth. He had a call from HR yesterday to say that all other checks are done and if he passes tomorrow he will have a start date of the 1st March. One months time! A month! Until he starts his 16-week classroom training and then, by the summer and if he passes the initial training, he will be assigned to a local station and the real work will start.

Time ticks on and I have a feeling that despite January seeming to take forever to just bloody well be over with, the next few months will fly by and before we know it everything will be different again. And nothing would make me happier than to see our two both happy doing something they love.

Unsettled

It’s three weeks since I posted my Reflecting blog. I’m not sure much has changed since then.

Christmas was fine. Not the same, obviously, but we made the most of the time together and we did have a nice time. New Year was fine. To be fair, it was probably my ideal New Year (I didn’t have to make ANY excuses not to go anywhere), apart from not being able to go out for a big family walk – so I can’t complain on that score. It was fine.

And now we are in another full Lockdown. Another Lockdown should be fine. I mean, it’s not a new concept, we coped OK last year – mainly – but somehow it’s really not fine. Maybe it’s the weather, maybe it’s the Groundhog Day feel, maybe it’s all the other awful stuff in the news on top of the horrific Covid statistics (a word which is as hard to type as it is to say, it seems): the horrendous goings-on in America; the complete and utter mess that is the free school meals scheme (thank God for Marcus Rashford); the utter disregard by some people of the rules that are trying to protect us all. I know I can switch off the news and not look at social media and, believe me, I do – OFTEN. I’ve started muting some group chats because sometimes IT’S ALL JUST TOO MUCH.

I am trying. I’ve adjusted my social media feeds. My Instagram is now full of plants and flowers and landscapes and joyful people. Things that make me smile and sigh. Things that make me feel more positive. Twitter is harder because sometimes even lovely people share things I don’t want to know about, but I ration my Twitter and only look when I am up to seeing it all.

Walking is my saviour, which is probably why this week is such a struggle. I’ve only been out on 2 days so far, ruining my daily streak (not that sort of streak; just normal, fully clothed walking) since 1st January. I’ve signed up for a virtual walking challenge taking me from London to Paris and I am currently in Dover waiting to take the plunge into the Channel (I’m hoping that it’s going to let me use the tunnel, as I am no David Walliams) and I am keen to get going. This weather is holding me up.

It’s also that time of year when current Year 11s need to start making decisions about their future. A is in year 11 and A does not want to think about the future. All A knows is that she does not want to stay on at RPS for Sixth Form. The idea is abhorrent to her and we therefore need to find an alternative. The options available to her are limited and some are almost as unattractive as Sixth Form. But we will keep looking into it and find the best fit, hopefully. Sometimes the timing of things is not great. We might feel better equipped to deal with this if the sun were shining and we could get outside and if everything else wasn’t so unsettled. Unsettled. That completely sums up how I am feeling (and others too, if conversations I’ve had with friends lately are anything to go by). It’s the Sunday night tummy, the “have I forgotten to do my homework” feeling. Things just don’t feel right. And that’s because they’re not.

At the end of this month my Nan would have been 100. I think about her a lot; most days really – her photo keeps me company all day when I am working and she is around me all the time. I’m not being maudlin – she would have hated that – but one thing she used to say (she had a lot of sayings) was that she was determined to get to 100 and receive her telegram from The Queen. And she was determined, so detemined. I feel sad that she didn’t get to do it because she was not a quitter. After all, “you never win by giving in”. I’m sad that we can’t mark the occasion as a family, do something to make it a special day even though she’s not here. But, there are other celebrations this year too – my Dad will be 80, K will be 50 – as will both my sisters-in law, it’s our 20th Wedding Anniversary and my brothers too. And hopefully by the summer, when these are all due to happen, we will be able to spend time together and hug and celebrate.

This week will end soon and we’ll be another week closer to a brighter time. Just a bit of sunshine would be nice. Come on January, give us a break. We really do need it.

Sending love and positive thoughts (although this hasn’t been the most inspiring blog, sorry!) to you all and let’s just try and get through this one day at a time. Brighter days will come.