In February last year I signed up to do some voluntary work. My day job is not particularly fulfilling and with little chance of that changing any time soon (the pros far outweigh the cons at this stage in my life) I thought that doing something in my spare time that gives me a sense of achievement and “doing” would be a good thing. I sent off my initial enquiry, received a lovely email back advising me of the process, and then the pandemic hit. The whole idea was put on the back burner while the charity worked out how they were going to supply training and also carry on offering their service during this tricky time.
In August, I found an email in my Spam folder asking if I was still interested and asking me to complete an application form. Luckily, it was not too late so I applied and, after a video interview (my first serious Zoom call), I was given a place on the next training course, starting in the October. In the meantime, there were DBS checks and references to sort out. As it got closer to the first session I was a bag of nerves. The training was all taking place over Zoom and I was in a group of 12. Along with the trainers this mean there were around 15 people on the video call at any time. I found it all incredibly daunting and was often too nervous to speak. For two hours every Sunday morning for the next two months we were taught all aspects of the work we would be doing, taking part in discussions, Role Plays*, small group tasks and generally put through our paces. It was hard, challenging and, at times, I questioned my ability.
We finished our online training the weekened before Christmas and then in January I was booked onto my first shift, along with my newly appointed mentor who would guide me through the next stage of my training. Initially I was shadowing him, seeing how he did things and getting an idea of what was expected of me. After a few sessions it was deemed that I should begin to take on some duties myself and, with my mentor supporting me, deal with clients directly. I can’t begin to tell you how nervous I was. I didn’t sleep well for days before and when the actual day arrived I was more anxious than I can remember being before. I didn’t do horrendously badly but I wasn’t great either. We talked about what I had found hard and my mentor gave me great advice and support. As the weeks progressed I got gradually better but my nerves were still out of control, beginning days before a shift and were all-consuming. I started to question if this was such a good idea. The plan had been to do something rewarding and to give me a sense of achievement. All I was doing was making myself sick with nerves. I spoke with my mentor about it and we agreed on a slight change of tactic, where he would basically leave me to it and go off and do other things, rather than shadowing me. It really helped. I was much more relaxed, much more confident and felt I had performed my duties very well. My confidence grew and grew and, slowly, the nerves became less acute. I was still jittery but more with adrenaline than nerves. Last night, I undertook my last “mentored” shift and have earned my probationer status. I’ll undertake duties on my own and in 12 months or so, will be a fully fledged volunteer.
I rarely step outside my comfort zone. I hate being nervous (as a perpetual worrier I know this is a bit of a strange thing to say) and so I generally keep myself out of situations which will make me anxious. Some situations are unavoidable – an unfamiliar journey, talking to someone new – but in the main I live in my little bubble, never really pushing myself. I also struggle to acknowledge my own achievements. But I have to say I am incredibly proud of myself for getting through this. I am proud of myself for not throwing in the towel (which I have done on many occasions before when I have found things too difficult, too challenging), proud for pushing myself to get through the training, for overcoming my fears and for being good at the task in hand – because I am good at it, and hopefully will only get even better as time goes on and I get more and more experience. It’s not easy, it’s challenging, it’s daunting, it’s often draining. But it’s also incredibly rewarding. That’s what I’m missing from my day job. Wierdly it actually makes work a little less awful.
I’m not going to talk about what I’m doing, what the voluntary work is. That’s not what this post is about and I’d rather keep that side of things private. But I rarely blow my own trumpet (I don’t really do anything that needs any trumpet blowing apart from maybe baking the odd decent cake!) but I am going to revel in this feeling for a few days and I wanted to write it down to remind myself in a few months/years how good it felt.
(*Role Plays – the words alone fill me with fear and dread, genuinely. I have had a number of jobs in my past life, pre-kids, which required me to go to conferences, attend training courses, even run courses training other people, and I hated every single moment of it. Whenever I had to take part in role plays I would clam up, have sweaty, shaking hands, not be able to “perform”. I undertand the value of them in the training that I’ve just done, but by god, they were awful. If I never have to do another one ever again, it will be too soon.)
The diary of a happiness hunter 